I Can't Place the Accent

Tea: Mandarin Green with honey

Music: Aztec Camera, "Oblivious"

Time: Afternoon.

So after dropping the kids off at church for a weeklong mission trip to California (Missouri, that is), it was errand time.

First stop: Hobby Lobby, where "Selected Home Accents" were 80 percent off.

I have no idea what a "home accent" is. This stuff looked like knicknacks, geegaws and assorted -- well, stuff.

Call me strange, but I have never looked at a room and thought, "You know what this needs? A little wooden cow, right over there." (I suppose the pertinent home accent for that would be a Texas Panhandle twang.)

And I fail to see what enhancement a blue glass pumpkin or a large metal wall hanging of a key might provide to any space. (I'm sure my Philistine accent is showing now, huh?)

In my world, if a living room has books, a place to sit to read them and enough light to do so comfortably, I'm good. I'm not opposed to miscellaneous items placed in the right spots, but they should be functional.

(It must be noted that a piece of original art does not count as a knicknack. It also must be noted that big box stores might sell the materials for original art, but I've yet to see one carrying the finished product.)

In the kitchen, the important things are (a) cookware and utensils, (b) storage and (c) something on and in which to actually cook. (Yes, and food.) If you need a ceramic rooster sitting on your spice shelf to feel at home ... you need to get out more.

And don't even get me started on bedroom "accents" and "accessories." What in the world is a "pillow sham," anyway? If it's not a real pillow, why do I want it on the bed?

Maybe the people who thought up "home accents" are the same people who came up with different colors of tissue. I don't care if it's blue, green, white, paisley, plaid or tie-died -- in the end, it's just something to sneeze at.

As with any rule, there are exceptions to the Accents are Laughable Code. The following items are always suitable for display in any space:

Rubber ducks;

Geodes and pieces thereof;

Statuettes of Frank White and/or Gollum;

Fossils;

And other cool stuff like that.

(Full disclosure requires me to note, though, that there is a line of nonfunctional birdhouses along the windowsill in the kitchen. Sometimes I do know when to nod, smile and keep my mouth shut.)