(And a 5.2 from the Bulgarian Judge ...)

Tea: Passionfruit Jasmine bubble tea

Music: Golden Earring, "Radar Love"

Time: Night.

I finally understand those people who record sporting events and threaten the health of anyone who divulges the result before said recording can be viewed.

(Yeah, that's a convoluted sentence. It's late. Cut me some slack.)

I still haven't seen today's Euro 2008 quarterfinal between Germany and Portugal. I'm studiously staying away from sports sites until I can watch the replay online.

I know who I'm pulling for, even if that cause is lost by now. Hint: It's not the Iberian side.

I don't know what it is about the western and middle Mediterranean peninsulas that produces whiny, dive-prone football (the real kind, not the pointy-ended kind) teams. (Okay, so I don't know for sure about San Marino, and I don't think the Vatican has a team. Kind of hard to run in robes, I guess.)

You know the sort: Any bit of physical contact with an opponent, no matter how slight, and down goes the poor "foulee," writhing and screaming. The only cure is for the referee to produce a yellow card and show it to the "offender," after which the "victim" pops to his feet, miraculously healed.

Makes you wonder how long they've been getting away with it.

Perhaps that's how the Romans conquered Gaul: "Oooh, and that's the second yellow for Vercingetorix, and the Gallic captain has been sent off." (One hopes he was able to deliver a head-butt first. Anyone who head-butts an Italian player is quite all right in my book.)

That could also explain the Conquistadors' success: "Not quite sure I agree with the referee's decision, Clive, but the fact of the matter is that Montezuma has got to leave the pitch. Cortes up to take the penalty for Spain ..."

Portugal, to its credit, doesn't dive quite as frequently as Italy or Spain. And it does have the best goal-scorer on the planet in Cristiano Ronaldo. I'd probably like him if he didn't play for Manchester United (can't spell "manure" without "Man U," after all). But he does, for now -- unless he's already transferred to the equally loathesome Real Madrid.

And that's reason enough to cheer against Portugal.

Wayne Rooney (who looks as though he should have bolts in his neck) also plays for Man U -- but I don't get to boo him this time around. That's because England didn't qualify (snicker, giggle), leaving its hooligans with nothing better to do than sit home making up unprintable lyrics to "Three Lions" ("England's staying home, it's staying ...") and trying to find Macedonia on a map.

Here, for the day, endeth the snark. Go Germany! (Unless you're already gone.)